Don't Tread on Us

84 Things a SysAdmin should never say...

1.    Uh-oh...

2.    Oh S***!

3.    What the heck?!?

4.    Go get your backup tape.  (You DO have a backup tape?)

5.    That's SOOOOO bizarre.

6.    Wow!!  Look at this...

7.    Hey!!  The Suns don't do this.

8.    Terminated?!?

9.    What software license?

10.  Well, it's doing SOMETHING...

11.  Wow...that seemed fast...

12.  I got a better job at Lockheed...

13.  Management says...

14.  Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.

15.  What do you mean that wasn't a copy?

16.  It didn't do that a minute ago...

17.  Where's the GUI on this thing?

18.  Damn, and I just bought that Coke...

19.  Where's the DIR command?

20.  The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.

21.  I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.

22.  What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?

23.  Do you smell something?

24.  What's that grinding sound?

25.  I have never seen it do THAT before...

26.  I don't think it should be doing that...

27.  I remember the last time I saw it do that...

28.  You might as well all go home early today...

29.  My leave starts tomorrow.

30.  Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)

31.  Hmm, maybe if I do this...

32.  Why is my "rm -r *" taking so long?"

33.  Hmmm, curious...

34.  Well, MY files were backed up.

35.  What do you mean you needed that directory?

36.  What do you mean /home was on that disk?  I unmounted it!

37.  Do you really need your home directory to do any work?

38.  I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.

39.  Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs.  Is that a problem to you?

40.  We're standardizing on AIX.

41.  Wonder what THIS command does?

42.  What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)

43.  You did WHAT to the floppy???

44.  Sorry, we deleted that package last week.

45.  NO!!!  Not THAT button!!!

46.  [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of DOS is this thing running?"

47.  YEEEHAA!!!  

48.  What a CRASH!!!

49.  What do you mean that could take down the whole network?

50.  What's this switch for anyway?

51.  Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does...

52.  Say, what does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?

53.  If I’d known it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.

54.  Was that YOUR directory?

55.  System coming down in 0 minutes...

56.  The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!

57.  Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick?  More importantly, did you print it out?

58.  The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?

59.  It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours.  (This said on a Monday afternoon.)

60.  I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip without tripping the breaker.

61.  What is all this I hear about static charges destroying computers?

62.  I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.

63.  Ummm....Didn't you say you turned it off?

64.  The network's down, but we're working on it.  Come back after dinner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline.)

65.  Oops!  Save your work, everyone!  FAST!!!

66.  Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.

67.  I hate it when that happens.

68.  Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?

69.  You can do this patch with the system up...

70.  What happens to a hard disk when you drop it?

71.  Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk...

72.  Hey, what does mkfs do?

73.  Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?

74.  ...and if we just swap these two disk controllers like this...

75.  Don't do that, it'll crash the sys...DAMN!

76.  What's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?

77.  Now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either...

78.  Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?

79.  I don't care what he says, I'm NOT having it on MY network.

80.  We don't support that.  We WON'T support that.

81.  ...and after I patched the microcode...

82.  You've got TECO.  What more do you want?

83.  We prefer not to change the root password, it's a nice easy one...

84.  Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...

My Yellow Bus

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Poetic Error Messages

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio.  Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asa Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been until now an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony.  For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."  The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

----------------

The Web site you seek

cannot be located but

countless more exist

-----------------

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

-----------------

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask way too much.

------------------

Yesterday it worked

Today it is not working

Windows is like that.

-----------------

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

so beautifully.

-----------------

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

"My Novel" not found.

------------------

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao, until

You bring fresh toner.

--------------------

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

--------------------

Stay the patient course

Of little worth is your ire

The network is down

-------------------

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

to a simple stone.

--------------------

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

--------------------

You step in the stream,

but the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

--------------------

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

--------------------

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

--------------------

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Baptism

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.  He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.  The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.  He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time.  He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again--but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he, pulls him up.  The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Bats in the Belfry

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.  I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."

Another said, "Yeah, me too.  I've got hundreds living in my belfry.  I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church.  I haven't seen one back since!!!"

Celibate

A new monk arrives at the monastery.  He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.  He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.  So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."  So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.  Hours go by and nobody sees him.  So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.  Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.  He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, "The word is 'celebrate'".

Another blonde joke

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams, she pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says.  "Your finger is broken."

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